I wish I could tell you what happened once I faded away in the ambulance, but it wasn’t until a week or two later that one of the nurses from the ICU explained what had happened that night I arrived.
I’m not entirely sure whether my mind was playing tricks on me or what really happened, but the next thing I remember is looking down at myself on the gurney, somewhere inside a hospital I had never been to before, wrapped up in blankets, appearing to be sleeping. I watched as individuals I assume to be medical staff rush towards me, running out of various rooms, yelling to one another but I couldn’t hear their words. How was it possible that I could see what I was seeing? Was it simply my mind putting the pieces of the surroundings and the current situation together, making me think I was looking down at myself and seeing these people head towards me? I honestly couldn’t say. It was so incredibly strange! I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t anxious, I felt oddly calm as I waited to see what would happen next. I think I drifted off to sleep and when I opened my eyes, this time I could tell I was laying on the gurney, looking up and watching the ceiling lights fly by. I was no longer looking down at myself. Surrounding me, a commotion of doctors and nurses, along with the EMT’s whose voices I recognized, each grasping the bed, feet pounding against the floor as they ran me down the corridor. I drifted off once again, only to open my eyes what seemed like seconds later and found myself in a room packed with various medical professionals, working together, trying to start IV’s, trying to draw blood, hooking me up to monitors and machines and administering whatever else they needed to quickly. It was like a real life medical drama show, doctors and nurses talking over each other, deciding on what to do next. I just kept thinking to myself, “All this for me? Why are there so many people here? What is wrong with me? How long will I be here? What is going on? What is all this fuss about? I’m not in any pain.” My body just wanted to go back into that deep, deep sleep but my mind began playing tug of war with my body this time, preventing my eyelids from shutting. All I could do was lay there, flat on my back and observe what was going on around me. My body seemed like it wanted to give up and I felt helpless that I couldn’t do anything to stop the feeling at this point. I had no energy to move, all I could do is lie there and wait. I think perhaps my mind was afraid that if I did shut my eyes one more time, I wouldn’t wake up. I think another part of me had this thought that when a person dies, there’d be a crazy amount of pain but there wasn’t. Honestly, I didn’t know what to think really. It was all becoming just a blur. I was just so exhausted. Eventually the doctors and nurses did manage to get things under control and I must have zonked out because I could no longer stay awake. When I did wake up, I couldn’t help but think “what the hell just happened?” a few hours before. I was still trying to process everything. I watched as the time ticked by. Minutes, hours…clearly this was incredibly serious and I wasn’t going anywhere.
After a while in the ICU, I was eventually transferred down to the cardiac ward where I stayed for nearly the entire month of December. I looked forward to seeing the ICU nurses and the doctors who took care of me upstairs, who popped in to say hello and see how I was doing, but I thought it was strange that they took the extra time to come down just to see a patient who was no longer on the floor they were working on. To keep myself busy during the day, I worked on a miniature house model my parents had bought me for Christmas. I think the staff got a kick out of seeing someone doing something other than just laying in bed and watching tv. I was feeling better but still wasn’t well enough to go home. The doctors and nurses told me tid bits of what was happening with my heart but I didn’t understand the magnitude and seriousness of what had happened. One evening, one of the nurses who was present when I initially came to the hospital asked me if I remembered who she was and if I recalled everything that had happened the night that I arrived. I couldn’t be sure what was memory or just my imagination but I told her what I could recall. We sat there talking for a while and that is when she told me I had coded when I arrived. She looked at me and told me “we saved your life.” Essentially my heart was coming to a halt and no longer wanted to keep beating. She was the first one to actually tell me I had coded and perhaps that’s why it felt like I was looking down upon myself that night; I was approaching the brink of death. I had no idea until this point that I was so close to dying. It was trying to take me. Was I ready? Clearly, I was not. It was this nurse who ultimately saved my life.
I’d love to say that I am back to where I was (health wise) that I was before, but right now that is wishful thinking. Granted things have gotten better since last December, but I have yet another long road ahead of me. I see doctors more often now, take more medications than ever before, and ultimately a heart transplant will be what I’ll need, but I don’t let that deter me from setting new goals and continuing to dream new dreams. It’s true, death did try to take me, but I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready. I have so much more of life I want to live, so much more I want to give, and I know there is an even bigger purpose I need to fulfill here on earth.
Heart, Hopes, and Dreams 