While cleaning out the basement in preparation for a yard sale, I was emptying out some totes that I had packed full of random things and came across something I wrote on a loose piece of paper; something I had written late 2008, the year I was sick….so I figured I would share…
When I look at my life, sometimes I don’t know what to think. I know I’m not normal….but that’s okay, no one really is. Besides, what does it mean to have a “normal life” anyways? No one has a perfect life. Perfect would be dull and predictable…who wants to live like that? I don’t. Sure, I’ve made some bad choices throughout the years, but I have also made some good choices too. Who hasn’t had their fair share of both good and bad choices? It’s what life is all about; being proud of the good and learning from the bad. I figured, if I didn’t make the choices that I did “back when”, then where would I be today? Would my life be better or worse off had those decisions I made been different? Sometimes I listen to other people sit and complain how their lives are going nowhere and how unhappy they are with where they are in their life – – – here’s an idea – Change!! We all have the ability to make changes in our lives; it just takes a mind set and the will power to do it.
Do I get depressed or bummed? Sure, who doesn’t from time to time. Life gets a little rough and overwhelming and it gets to you. I will admit, sometimes I’ll just curl up and ball my eyes out because things have built up and I need a way to let them out. But letting out a good cry, I feel much better afterwards. The thing is, even though I’ve gone through so much; having Zachary and getting married at a young age, only for it to end in divorce only to make another unwise choice of hopping right into another relationship so quickly, only to have that one end in divorce as well. Dealing with mom’s illness, loosing her, then loosing gram, now having to deal with my own heart issues…I can’t let all of those overwhelming moments get me to the point where I become so depressed and no longer want to go on. When things get rough, I remind myself, somewhere else, somebody has it much worse off then I do. I’m still trying to learn not to allow too many things build up and get my stress level to the point where it ends up as an anxiety attack, but I’m getting there, slowly but surely, learning how to better deal with different situations as they present themselves. Life is far too short, I learned that when mom died. You don’t know what day will be your last. Not everyday will go as planned, not everyday will be happy, but everyday is another day to go on living.
I am a little nervous about being sick, only because of what we went through and saw with mom. Heading to the hospital, the same hospital and doctors that she seen, it feels like de ja vu. Only instead of mom in the patient chair, it’s me. My biggest worry, as a mother, is what would happen to Zach if anything were to happen to me. Who will take care of him? What will his life be like if I weren’t around to help guide him? Have I influenced him enough to make the right choices in life? I know I shouldn’t worry too much since I know there are plenty of people who would ensure he is taken care of, but as a mother, you still tend to worry what would happen if you aren’t in your child’s life.
Without a doubt, God has a plan for me and there is a reason why I am where I am today.